A New Approach To Anger
Before we begin to discuss a new approach to anger, we first must recognize and admit when and where anger arises in the first place, and how that manifests in our life. When the emotion of anger is judged and rejected we project it onto others, places or things. Take a moment to reflect on the cause of your anger, at first you will insist that the fault is external, someone or something other than your self is the cause. You might feel that something was done to hurt you. However, upon further examination, you will find that anger arises within you, therefore all anger is reactivity. Take another moment and reflect on how you continue to repeat the same patterns of reactivity over and over again, or how you repeatedly struggle with the reactivity of others.
We are only angry due to our reactive approach to life and relationships in general. Our approach is one of disturbance. When aspects of life and relationships do not go the way our self wants things to go we tend to get hurt. The ego aspect of our self is quick to protect our self from the hurt and disappointment and hence we experience anger. The ego is innocent in knowing to protect, so there is no need to pile on self blame or condemnations. Nevertheless, our approach to life is limited and short-sighted. When we are painstakingly honest, we discover that all of the reactivity is based in an ego defense system making our self more important than others.
The bottom line is that when we are angry, contemptuous, resentful, and conflictual, we are responsible for our reactions. The good news is that if we are responsible for our anger, we can do something about it!
Review the list below. Be honest, do you recognize any of these behaviors in your self?
The Outdated Approach: Forms of Reactivity
Coercing or bullying to get your way or to be heard
Frustrated, annoyed, contemptuous, resentful
Shutting down and punishing others with a cold shoulder and cold words
Sarcasm, chronic teasing, public and private shaming, jokes at the expense of others
Disappearing or leaving without notice
Slamming doors and banging kitchen pots or dishes
Breaking agreements and vows with the intent to harm
Defending, justifying, and over explaining yourself
Chronic criticism of others
Withholding warmth and affection
Diagnosing, analyzing and unsolicited advice
Control and Judgement.
ANY offensive language, body language or actions
Chronic negativity
Argumentativeness
Chronic victim mentality, and feeling self-righteous
Screaming, blaming, shaming, the proverbial eye-roll
Overarching contempt and resentment towards others
We take a position of being right and project the position of wrongness onto others. We see this in a husband and wife debating over “she said/he said.” We also see aggressive mentality in our political and religious communities where a person with a different point of view is crucified. The quality of direct aggression de-sensitizes our ability to compassionately listen to others.
To deal with the overwhelming directness of anger we need a NEW APPROACH!
When approaching people, places and things from presence, our focus shifts away from self importance and self important agendas to accepting EVERTHING as it is. Only by accepting situations and circumstances exactly as they are do we discover the patience necessary to meet difficulties. Additionally, we naturally and effortlessly recover our sense of greater vision for our self that includes others, the world, and the entire universe.
Rather than indulging our self-important wants alone, we expand our vision immensely to embrace our interconnection with the rest of the world. The definition of interconnectedness is the state of being connected with each other and all things in the universe. Because, let’s face it, all of the above aggressive actions are based in narcissism—making our self more important than ALWAYS TRULY caring for the wellbeing of all. We structure our world based on projected fear that others will take advantage of us if we open and care. When we are rested in the present moment however, we approach our world with clarity, open- heartedness, and the direct experience of interconnectedness. We are grounded in gratitude for everything.
To directly experience Presence, take a moment and rest. Very simply and directly, relax right now. Repeat small moments of relaxation over and over again. Grow familiar with meeting the world moment to moment and you have a NEW APPROACH to EVERYTHING. Become more and more confident in moments of rest and openness. Eventually, self importance will fade into the backdrop of your thinking and from the point of view of presence you move in gratitude and appreciation for everything.
